Asking Eric: Back in her hometown, woman judges friends who stayed behind

Dear Eric I am a -year-old woman who in recent weeks relocated to her hometown in the Midwest from the East Coast after years I have a wonderful configuration of friends here whom I ve known practically my entire life I m happier than I could have imagined with my decision to move here Something that has become apparent is while I have a deep affection and love for these friends I don t have that much in common with them This was not as apparent over the five decades that we would visit because the visits were short I m often disappointed in specific of the attitudes that my friends have and I can be quite judgmental about their views There seems to be an underlying consensus that people who have children or chose a traditional path are somehow more worthy because their burdens are greater than those who took an unconventional path and had no children All of these friends are married and have children I on the other hand am very content in my decision to divorce after a brief but happy marriage and not procreate I am often quite judgmental of their views and sometimes find their stereotyping offensive at best I d like to be less judgmental in their presence Do you have any suggestions how I might achieve this Feeling Judgmental Dear Feeling Even though you ve known your friends for so long it ll be helpful to think of these relationships as somewhat new As you noted a lot can be gracefully ignored over a short visit But now that you re local you and they have the opportunity to figure out just how much interaction literally works for you Part of your judgment is coming from interacting too much Various lifelong friends are also every now and then friends This involves acceptance You know where they stand on certain things and as long as those issues aren t dangerous or morally unacceptable to you you have the option of saying I don t love this part of my friend s personality but I do like my friend Since I can t change them I m going to acknowledge my own need to put space between us in order to keep things pleasant The pressure you feel to express your judgment demands an escape valve Go in knowing what feels conversationally off-limits to you and work on cultivating other friendships that align with your values as a counterbalance Dear Eric My friend fell on hard times and couldn t afford his condo after retiring and living on Social Protection We are both seniors and friends for a long time I am financially secure I m also disabled and older than he is He required if he could live with me and in return help with things I have difficulty with I have a live-in caregiver that lives separate from the main house on the property For years I have enjoyed living alone and was hesitant about taking him in because of how he is I eventually relented He does help me so does my caregiver and eventually I will need two people just not now My friend is chaotic He disrupts my morning there is plenty of area for us to not be on top of one another but he necessities entertainment and I seem to be the provider for it My mornings are spent reading the paper followed by the bulk up-to-date book I m on He doesn t read books or papers I m interrupted a number of times with questions or his view on politics I ve requested recounted and even yelled for him to find something to do while I enjoy the morning the way I like He stops but within a sparse days the same issue occurs Is there a method Hectic Housemate Related Articles Asking Eric Niece wants to know the truth about her father Asking Eric Grandmom seems jealous of attention injured grandson gets Asking Eric After giving much to networking group entrepreneur gets little in return Asking Eric Grandmother and grandson caught in the middle of contentious divorce Asking Eric Married parent consumed by a crush Dear Housemate As with any living arrangement if it s not working out then it s time for one of you him to find a different place to live You ve petitioned him to respect your space and time and he either can t or won t So this isn t a workable long-term fix Moreover though you announced you will need his help at particular point you don t at present so he s essentially living rent-free This would be fine if he was a compatible housemate but he s not Have a state of the friendship conversation in which you can calmly but clearly lay out the issues as you see them and either present him with an option i e entertain yourself please or use the money you ve saved to move out or present him with a decision you ve made You ve been friends for a long time so I hope that he can respond in a way that shows respect for you and your space But if he doesn t a few distance might be healthy for the preservation of your friendship Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com