Asking Eric: Parents ashamed of children who won’t ‘adult’

Dear Eric I grew up with highly educated parents with a strong work ethic Because of my and my also well-educated and accomplished husband s a large number of years of hard work we have been able to provide well for our children Unfortunately all of them have had robustness difficulties from birth and instead of growing and recovering they each developed long-term substance abuse They barely got their high school diplomas and only one has made it through two years of college and wants to give up because she is tired of trying Meanwhile my husband and I have continued to work hard to cover all their necessities We are way past retirement age and have our own medical problems We are exhausted And very worried about our children who seem incapable and uninterested in supporting themselves How on earth are they all going to be able to manage We feel sure any money they inherit will disappear because they are ignorant of investing taxes managing finances adverse to chores etc and refuse to learn They all used to be smart enough but now they seem so stupid We get along and even have laughs but can t connect on anything serious or significant We are wondering how we can leave our hard-earned money to them just for them to waste it and continue to decline in the way they already are How can we persuade our adult children to go to and complete college and become financially literate and responsible despite being older Two are working at menial jobs and one will be limited in his job prospects and one is not working at all It s painful to spend time with them because we don t have any interests or values in common and they are utterly uninterested and ignorant about almost any subject We are grieving and we are ashamed of our children their former schoolmates are growing and thriving Are we asking too much or too little Disappointed Parent Dear Parent Persuasion time is over it s time to protect your children from themselves and protect your assets from frivolous spending Talk to an estate lawyer about setting up a trust for your kids Find out what kind of stipulations you can put on the funds And then think through what you really need to feel secure leaving them money It may be finishing school but I encourage you to try to separate your expectations from the reality of your children s lives and abilities You re experiencing a lot of grief reconciling the lives that you wished for yourself and your kids with the lives that you have Chosen of that grief is coming out in judgment and resentment Your children are responsible for their actions or inactions but they re not responsible for your resentment Try to free yourself from a few of this by speaking to a counselor about what s going on A family therapist will also be helpful Additionally consider Al-Anon or SMART Recovery Family meetings if you don t already go Parenting people who struggle with substance abuse can lead to codependent relationships and toxic relationships Talking to others about what you re feeling will help you to separate what you can control about your kids lives from what you must learn to accept Dear Eric I could relate to Loving but Frustrated Daughter whose -year-old mother lived alone in a remote area and demanded to talk on the phone regularly but didn t have much to say After particular ideas that did not work with my own parents I signed up for newsfeeds local to them We could talk about what was happening in their world and it often generated memories of stories I had not heard It also helped plan sessions for my visits Local Conversation Dear Conversation What a creative response And I particularly like that it supports local journalism an extremely key deposit Related Articles Asking Eric Daughter s volatile responses make relationship hard Asking Eric Mother struggles to accommodate daughter s veganism Asking Eric Sibling took inheritance now she wants sister to carry a child for her Asking Eric Husband unfailingly in locked bathroom Asking Eric Back in her hometown woman judges friends who stayed behind Dear Eric I have a suggestion for the mother who was so devastated at losing her daughter that she could not write thank-you notes to all those who helped her Still In Grief Enlist a friend or relative to write them for her They can write something like Julia wishes you to know that she could not have made it through that terrible time without your help and sponsorship or Julia wants to thank you for attending Anna s funeral etc It s quite understandable that writing those letters brings back such dreadful memories that the mother feels paralyzed If she wants the letters can include an acknowledgment of how much time has passed Been There Dear Been There I really like this suggestion When we re grieving people s offer to help in any way can be kind but overwhelming A task like this is not only meaningful but manageable and makes a big difference Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA 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