Asking Eric: Son’s in-laws stake a claim on every holiday, leaving parents in the cold

Dear Eric We live in the same town as my son s family He and his wife have two little boys Our daughter-in-law s parents have countless nice homes including a local condo Her mother takes charge and makes plans for every holiday unless she s traveling And we are never invited despite our invites to them whenever we ve squeezed in chosen plans My son knows how we feel agrees but begs us not to say anything because they are so touchy We don t want to cause trouble for him but it is getting pretty hard to remain silent Thoughts Uninvited Dear Uninvited I really wish your son would say something to his in-laws about this I understand that no one is under any obligation to invite anyone else into their home and that this touchy relationship with his wife s family likely has other pain points But you need an advocate here and it s relatively easier for him to stand up for you than for you to insert yourself Short of that however you might want to have a conversation with your son and daughter-in-law about sharing holidays The intention isn t to incite a turf war with your daughter-in-law s parents Rather by saying I m hosting Thanksgiving this year and I d like for you to come or Fourth of July or Arbor Day whatever the occurrence may be you start to rebalance the scales The in-law s wants and plans don t have to be the default By asking for what you want or a version of what you want you ll also be giving your son and daughter-in-law the chance to exercise their own autonomy Maybe they don t want to automatically go to her parents every year Splitting family holidays can get complicated but it s crucial to remember the ultimate goal is quality time together in whichever configuration works best Dear Eric I m a sophomore in high school and I read your column in the Seattle Times My grandma has dementia Over the past year we ve noticed more and more signs and convinced her to move into a nursing home a scant months ago because we can t provide the constant care she necessities She s at a more advanced stage now and can t walk or feed herself and she forgets who we are sometimes which is hard for all of us I love her so so much and she was such a big part of my life but now I can barely get through visits without emerging down I hate seeing her like this and I m finding myself avoiding visits because I can t face seeing her in a wheelchair and being so confused She doesn t have a lot of time left and I don t want to regret not seeing her more but I don t know how to get through the visits I feel so guilty but I don t feel brave enough to go Is there anything I can do Loving Granddaughter Dear Granddaughter The grief we feel when a loved one develops dementia can be incredibly complex I m so sorry for what your grandmother is going through and what you re experiencing Right now you re likely grieving the aspect of the relationship you ve lost as well as what s going on in the present You may also be feeling certain grief about what s to come That s a lot past present and future all coming together in every visit to the nursing home So please try to grant yourself particular grace This is hard and sometimes bravery looks different Related Articles Asking Eric Grandparents wonder how long to keep trying to reach estranged granddaughter Asking Eric Husband disapproves of wife s dream vacation Asking Eric Retiree feels obligated to unfailingly go see friends new band Asking Eric Parents excluded from daughter s th birthday but in-laws got an invite Asking Eric Friend courts danger by feeding wildlife in her backyard Regret about not spending more time with a loved one or not spending the right kind of time is complicated too It s something we can rarely control but which we can guide in a different direction Before you visit your grandmother remind yourself that if your grandmother doesn t remember you that s not the full truth of your relationship Pull up photos or videos that bring to mind times that felt happier for you This phase is a part of her journey and your shared journey together but it s not the whole story When a loved one is nearing the end of their life we can sometimes develop an all or nothing feeling As if the way we respond is the only thing that s going to matter or the only thing we ll remember That s not true but it takes work to reinforce that internally This is a time for you to communicate where you are and what you re feeling with your parents and other loved ones You can also reach out to a counselor at your school if one is available or look up dementia or grief sponsorship groups online You ll find that you re not alone and you don t have to handle this on your own Take the time you need be gentle with yourself and hold on to the full arc of your grandmother s story Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com